Saturday, 12 April 2014

A long time coming ...

Hannah & Olivia

Its been a very long time since my last blog post and you know the reasons for it.

There have been a huge number of things that have gone on in your daddys and my life, not all of them good.

You now have baby Pringle up there with you. Nicknamed because the only things I really wanted to eat when I was pregnant were Pringles and those cheap microwaveable burgers which your Daddy hates so much. I didn't think that was such a good name :)

I have been very up and down and continue to be so but I know that for every down day there will be an up.

I have an amazing husband and amazing friends and some exciting things happening which I will write about in more details as soon as I can.

Tonight were heading out for a yummy dinner as its my birthday on Monday

Youre in my thoughts, as always


Saturday, 9 November 2013

The Dance

Hannah & Olivia

Music has always been a huge part of my life. Saying that Im not a big Country and Western fan but there is something incredibly special about the above song. I heard it for the first time quite a few years ago and even then I knew it was amazing and poignant.

Its Saturday night and im in the usual position (on the couch watching Strictly Come Dancing). A song that was danced to caused me to look through iTunes when I found it again.

Its all about love and loss and that even if they had known all about the pain and how it would end, they would have done it all again because, without it, theyd never have been able to experience 'The Dance'.

For me, the dance, was also just that. I remember dancing around the kitchen, holding my belly. Not that you were showing but I knew you were there. I imagined the day that I'd get to do this with one of you on each arm. I love dancing, even if i'm not very good at it. I wanted to share that passion with you both.

As well as dancing I love singing and imagined being able to sing lullabys to you. As i'm sure you would agree if you could that I sang my heart out to you both. It wasn't always out loud, but it was always heart felt. "Make you feel my love" was a favourite, again because the lyrics were so perfect. I wanted to protect you both, to make sure you knew youd always be safe and have a place with me. Please know I protected you as much as I could. I was careful with everything I did (the dancing wasn't too crazy). Nothing could have been done better to protect you.

Another was Richard Marx's 'Angels Lullaby' - it talks about being put on earth to be a parent. That's how I've always felt.

Your daddy and I loved you from the second we got a second line on the test. Even before we knew there were two to love of you. We love you still, so very much. It hurts every day. But neither of us would have missed 'the dance'

Love you always

Sunday, 1 September 2013

The Holiday

Darling Girls ...

Im very excited just now. I've only a couple more days at work then your daddy and I are on holiday, with Dougal and Molly of course. We're off to Scotland. Granddad Brian and Grandma Christine will be there (all the way from Australia - and that's a really, really long way), as will Auntie Dawn and Uncle Michael, Great Uncle Robin and Alison and Great Grandma and Granddad.

Everyone will be there but our family wont be complete. You are so missed, every single day.

I haven't seen your Granddad since I got married to Daddy, almost three years ago. They were planning on coming across, however this was delayed when we found out we were expecting. We decided to book a cottage for three whole weeks, but I didn't have to worry about annual leave as I'd be on maternity leave. Daddy was saving up most of his though. But we knew it would be worth it.

Obviously things will be different. Not the way any of us wanted it to be. People say that you will be there, and to an extent that's true. But though you'll be with us you wont be there. And that hurts.

Granddad Brian was so happy when we told him. He has step grandchildren, who he loves absolutely, thanks to Grandma Christine but this was different.
Growing up with him was fun. He was a great dad and we used to do lots together and I always had fun, although apparently I shouldn't have written about dumping the weeds under the bridge when I had to write a 'What I did in the summer holidays' in Primary 2. He took me to my first football game. He took me to have my first Indian meal when it wasn't that common. He read through my dissertation when I was at university. He made sure I knew he loved me and that there was no pressure on me when I was coming up to exams, that I knew he was proud of me no matter what.

It would have been the same with you two. Although with living in Australia, just slightly less often. He was looking forward to baby sitting you both when Daddy and I went out for dinner in Scotland.

Your Auntie Dawn was so excited as well. Although to tell you about her would take up a whole blog itself. We had lots of fun growing up and I only hoped you would cause me half as much stress and get up to half as much mischief as we did when we were younger. We are incredibly close and I always wanted two children (at least) because of this closeness. So to be having twins seemed perfect.

As well as meeting relatives you wouldn't have done yet I would have been able to take you to places that were important to me. During the visualisation cd's I did whilst under going IVF I had to go to my 'Serenity Spot', a place which was calming, beautiful and perfect for me. This was Lunan Bay, a local beach, which is only about 3 miles from the cottage we are staying in. Whenever I need to calm myself down I simply close my eyes and think of it. Getting there with a double buggy would have been a nightmare but as with everything else its a nightmare I wish we still had.

As with Grandma Eileen and Granddad Zak, this holiday would have been another opportunity for you to be surrounded by love. It wouldn't have been possible for anyone to love you as much as daddy and I, I can promise you that, but everyone wanted to meet you. You've been wanted for so long by more than your parents.

Every time I write one of these posts it gives me a chance to think about you, special time where nothing else matters and I can focus on my two babies. There isn't a day goes by when I don't think of you of course but this is special. Yes it makes me sad, but it also makes me happy. It gives me a chance to use your names and that is immensely important to me. You didn't have the chance to have personalities, but that doesn't mean I've not thought about what you'd both be like.
Still Daddy is making dinner so I had best be going.
Look over us when we are on holiday - its the best we can hope for...
Remember though:
You are thought of
You are remembered
and you are very, very loved

Wednesday, 21 August 2013

Grief ... and not being 'fine'

Hannah & Olivia

I am incredibly lucky in my life. I have some of the most amazing friends who I love dearly and with all my heart. Since loosing you I've had to revaluate some friendships and sadly some have fallen by the way side. This saddens me greatly as loyalty has always been one of my biggest strengths and, to some extent, my greatest weakness. In life people come and go, its just sad when you loose a 'keeper'.

On the plus side I have so many good friends, quality and quantity, though the former is far more important. It hasn't mattered how long I've known them for or how often I see them they have gone above and beyond to show me that they care. I will not begin to mention what they've done for me because I will undoubtedly miss someone and I want to cause no offence.

One of them is James Parry. He often jokes about me using the word 'fine', and even calls it the 'f - word'. For me, as the picture says above, fine can mean everything from "I'm ok" to "the world is falling apart", but it is generally the answer whenever I am asked how I am.

Today is not one of those days. Today I am not fine.

Your due date was tough but not as bad as I was expecting other than the balloon release. This was lovely and symbolic but felt like saying goodbye to you all over again.

I received a lovely text message the next day from Anne Parry asking how I was as sometimes the day after something you've been psyching yourself up for can be worse. I genuinely wasn't that bad but I replied today saying "what about the day after, the day after something you've been psyching yourself up for".

Her answer was

"And the day after that, and the one after that, honey. I think it will
always have the capacity to floor you from nowhere when
you least expect it. And that's perfectly normal and ok.
And anyone who tells you otherwise has no
fucking clue about grief".
There are only certain friends I feel comfortable saying how I am truly feeling. I am sure that the majority of times people ask you how you are its out of politeness and not because they are really wanting to hear the true answer. I *love* that people can talk to me and confide in me but I hate feeling like I'm a bother to other people. I hate having to say I'm not fine as I feel like I am just a broken record. However it has only been six months and I have just lost two children.

However, that's the thing about grief, as Anne said, it can floor you out of no where. Today I am not good, tomorrow I will more than likely be better. The day after ? who knows....
This can make it difficult for people to deal with.

There is no time scale on grief.

I found a quote by William Faulkner which said "Given a choice between grief and nothing, I'd choose grief". As strange as this may seem to someone I feel the same. Why would anyone *want* to feel like this, to feel this miserable. The reason is that grief is the flip side of joy. You cannot know one without knowing the other. Would I have preferred for none of this to happen ? Without a shadow of a doubt. Would I have preferred to have never felt the joy ? No. Never. Not for one second.

I wish you were here with all my heart. So does Daddy.
We always will.
There is never a day that goes by where we don't think of you.
watch over us, 
Always in our hearts


Tuesday, 30 July 2013

What makes a mother

I have felt the need to justify that I am a mother even though many don't think that way I am sure.
I heard this poem at the Saying Goodbye memorial service in Winchester and thought it was incredibly touching and summed up pretty much everything I was feeling. It was written by a mother who had lost her son.

So apologies that I haven't written my own full blog but I wanted to share...

What Makes A Mother?
written by Jennifer Wasik
In memory of Zachary Wasik

I thought of you and closed my eyes
And prayed to God today
I asked “What makes a Mother?”
And I know I heard Him say.

“A Mother has a baby”
This we know is true
“But God can you be a Mother,
When your baby’s not with you?”

“Yes, you can,” He replied
With confidence in His voice
“I give many women babies,
When they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,
And others for the day.
And some I send to feel your womb,
But there’s no need to stay.”

“I just don’t understand this God
I want my baby to be here.”
He took a deep breath and cleared His throat,
And then I saw the tear.

“I wish I could show you,
What your child is doing today.
If you could see your child’s smile,
With all the other children and say…

‘We go to Earth to learn our lessons,
Of love and life and fear.
My Mommy loved me oh so much,
I got to come strait here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mom,
Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly,
My Mommy set me free.

I miss my Mommy oh so much,
But I visit her every day.
When she goes to sleep,
On her pillow’s where I lay

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek,
And whisper in her ear.
Mommy don’t be sad today,
I’m your baby and I’m here.’

“So you see my dear sweet ones,
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in My home,
And this is where they’ll stay.

They’ll wait for you with Me,
Until your lesson’s through.
And on the day that you come home
they’ll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother,
It’s the feeling in your heart
it’s the love you had so much of
Right from the very start

Though some on earth may not realize,
you are a Mother.
Until their time is done.
They’ll be up here with Me one day
and know that you are the best one

Monday, 15 July 2013

My Darling Babies ...

Hannah & Olivia, my darling baby girls,

It had been my plan to write a diary during the pregnancy to give you on your 18th birthday but obviously I can’t do that now so I thought I’d write you a letter, on your due date, to let you know all about us.

You came to us after a long and tough road. We went through IVF treatment to get you which was a challenge in itself. From the day of embryo transfer your Daddy started talking to my belly, calling you the ‘bros’ (as in embryos not brothers). I was a bit naughty and December 1st will forever be one of the greatest days of my life. We got a positive pregnancy test. The first of 8. We just couldn’t believe we had been so lucky. It was also the day West Ham beat Chelsea 3-1 but that was more exciting for me than your dad.

We had to wait three weeks for our ultrasound. We were a mix of nerves and excitement. Our nurse dimmed the lights and promptly found a heartbeat. We were over the moon. As she scanned round to make sure there weren’t any issues. She paused and said “Oh”. We couldn’t believe it – there were two of you. After further scanning we found out that you were identical. Having a multiple pregnancy takes a bit of getting used to. A double blessing. An instant family.

From the moment we got a positive test we started dreaming, the nursery, names, downloading aps on the iPhone to look at development, the future, buying books on amazon (the only thing I allowed myself to buy before the “safe” 12 weeks). We weren’t having a baby, we were having two. It just didn’t seem real. Along with that I was also worried about being a good mother. Would I be able to cope with such tiny bundles needing me for everything? Id wanted nothing more than to be a mother for so long, would it live up to my expectations.

It wasn’t an easy pregnancy. I suffered from hyperemesis, which is severe morning sickness, which meant time off work. When you’re off throwing up 4-5 times an hour it doesn’t make you very productive. It was exhausting but every single second was worth it. Daddy also said he’d never been so pleased to see me being sick.

On December 30th we got our first scare. I started bleeding. Heavily. Daddy and I rushed into hospital. They saw us and looked after us well but they couldn’t scan us till the next day. It was a very restless night.

The ride into the hospital the next day was very subdued. Daddy kept stroking my hand, telling me it’d be ok and that he’d love me regardless. In my heart of hearts I was convinced it was over. It was a colleague and friend who called us in and lead us to the scan room. I couldn’t look at the scan screen. I couldn’t look at him either. Then Val said the most wonderful words – “I can see both heart beats”. I have never seen such a wonderful look on Daddys face. Joy. Relief. I don’t mind telling you we were all in tears.

I remember having the strangest sensation in my stomach one day. It was feeling very unsettled, almost a fluttering, bubbly sensation. I wanted to make sure things were ok so I got onto Google. Apparently it’s likely to represent babies moving, more common earlier in the pregnancy with twins; however a lot of women don’t notice it.

We were always aware that having identical twins, which is more unusual, but came along with increased issues and risks, the biggest of which is Twin to Twin Syndrome (TTTS) but we would be scanned fortnightly to pick this up as early as possible.

I continued to bleed but they reassured me that everything was ok. They even found an area that was causing it. Still naturally we worried. The time came for the 12 week scan and everything was perfect so we could make the happy announcement. Everyone was so pleased for us. They knew what we’d been through…

I started getting back pain on the 8th February but it didn’t cause too many issues. The next day things were getting worse and after trying everything to cope at home we decided to go into hospital.

If I described to you what we went through over the next two days, you might cry. At the very least, you’d probably cringe in horror. I’ll spare you the gory details. I didn’t think that each wave of pain was a contraction. My head tried to tell my heart that this wasn’t going to end well, but as long as I was silent I was still a woman expecting a baby. Sadly it wasn’t to be.


The hospital staffs were incredible. We knew you were in good hands. When they brought you in for us to see you were in the most gorgeous basket with a little blanket and teddy bear which is now sitting proudly above your daddy’s computer desk in the study. You were so tiny but beautiful. We also had you blessed by one of the hospital chaplains. It was incredibly moving and emotional but it felt like the right thing to do.

I almost didn’t want to come home; I didn’t want to feel as if I was starting a new life. In my little private room I felt safe. I didn’t need to see people if I didn’t want to. You were still close by and I could see you if I wanted to. I wish id held you longer but then it would never have been long enough.  However Dougal and Molly were back home, and apparently missing their mummy. It was difficult, driving in a car like nothing had happened when our whole world had been turned upside down. We stopped off to get sushi, it was something I’d avoided since getting pregnant and in the supermarket people were going about their normal life. Didn’t they know what had happened? Didn’t they realise things would never be the same. Not only that but it seemed everyone was going about with buggies, babies, or heavily pregnant.

Even with all the pain since then, you are without doubt the best thing that’s ever happened to us. Some people don’t understand why we’d get so upset about it but not only had we lost baby daughters but toddlers, teenage, adult daughters too. Don’t want people to feel sorry for us. We got pregnant. We got to see you both. I know there are many who haven’t been so ‘lucky’. Finding your heartbeats after the scare is still one of the best moments of my life.

I want to do something useful and positive with this experience, to help others going through the same thing. Cot death more discussed than still birth and miscarriage but is far less common. I want you to be proud of me.

One comfort it that now at least you’re being looked after by Granny Catherine and Uncle Adam.

I’ve learned things I already knew, but didn’t know. I’ve learned the true meaning of pain. I used to say, after mum died, the worst thing that could ever happen to me, had. I was wrong. I’ve learned how much I love my husband and how much he loves me. I’ve fallen in love with your daddy all over again. How do I respond when people ask me if I have children? I can’t say no because I gave birth to you. We may not have a birth certificate but you were our babies. The world might not see me as a mother but in my heart I know I am. Sadly though I’m mother to angels.

When it happened we wanted to find out why, could anything have been done to save you, could we have noticed x, y or z earlier. Was anyone to blame. There is no point. The fact is that blaming doesn’t get you anywhere. It keeps you stuck. Blaming stops you form moving on with your life. I know I won’t be in this place forever. I will get to a place where I’m happy, if not happy then content.

You were small enough to fit in the palm of my hand and yet the void you left is large enough for me to drown in

My biggest sadness of the whole thing is that you won’t get to find out what an incredible father you have. He is the most wonderful man I know and he will be an incredible father and you will always be his little girls.

I don’t care if people think I should be over it. I don’t care if people think I am ‘over you’ because I’m smiling. You will always be my babies and I will always love you both. Some people are lucky to have a guardian angel, We have two.

So on this sad day we will celebrate you both and hope that we can make you proud. I've no doubt a tear or two will be shed but we will watch the balloons rise up to the sky and hope they make it to heaven...
Watch over us,

Forever yours,

Mummy xx